What I want You to know about my Name

Dear James,
You are now a child of divorced parents. It makes me want to cry and scream with pain and anger and sadness. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I married your Dad thinking that we would be together forever. That is what I promised on our wedding day. And I lived it up until the end.

Today I went to the local Social Security office and officially changed my last name. I am now, legally, Connie Jo Hutchinson. Just like it was on the day I was born. The name I carried until I married your Dad.

It took 10 minutes to make the change. Simple and easy, yet not really. It was sad, James. It was a reminder of the betrayal. A reminder that I am unloved by the man who promised to love me always and forever. I went out to the car afterwards and just cried. Why did things turn out this way? Why can't people keep their promises? Why can't people just be honest and respectful and say they don't love you anymore instead of cheating? I'll tell you why. It's because the right thing is not always the easy thing. In fact, it's usually a hard thing. But it's worth it. Every single time.

During this long year of separation, I had debated in my mind about changing my name. I figured I had time to decide and surely something would happen that would be a defining moment. It came right after the 4th of July weekend. Your Dad emailed me to inform me that he had moved in with his Cheating Partner and her son and gave me their address. I was disgusted. And in that moment, I knew that I could no longer be a Lewis. I got that name from him the day we married. And now he is a full-fledged cheater and a man who abandoned his family for all the world to see.

During that same exact weekend, I was moving out of our home. The life we had as a family was over. Had been over. Our home was no longer ours. I had to sell it because I could no longer afford it alone. I was relieved to be rid of the financial burden but I was also saddened by all that you and I lost.

So now I am taking back my freedom. I am now free from being associated with a cheater and carrying the name of a person who no longer loves me.

It amazes me how an event can be so heartbreaking and yet be a blessing at the same time. I don't think it is always known that a thing is a blessing at that moment but over time, it becomes clear. These are times I embrace God's perfect timing and purpose for my life, James. I trust that God knows what He is doing.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans give you hope and a future.   -Jeremiah 29:11

One last thing, James. I love you. I love that YOU are a Lewis.You have grandparents that love you. An aunt and uncle too. And a very special Aunt that you got because your Dad comes from a wonderful family. They love us both very much. Remember that and be proud.

It would be our 13th wedding anniversary today...

Dear James,

Today is June 8th, 2015. For the past 12 years, I happily celebrated my wedding anniversary. Today though, it is just another Monday. Nothing special. Just a reminder of how much our lives have changed in the past 10 months.

Last year was my last "real" wedding anniversary. Your Dad was already having an affair. I wouldn't find out for another two months. 

We did what had become a tradition. We went out to dinner at Winston's Grille in Raleigh. We'd celebrated many anniversaries there. I bought your Dad some good-smelling cologne. He'd been without for a while and I knew he wanted some. He bought me a set of cast-iron soap dishes....and a beer tab bracelet. I never understood why he bought it. I thought it was about something funny that I had forgotten. But no. There was never an explanation for it. Once I learned the truth about the affair though, I wondered if he and Melissa had a good laugh about something at my expense.

That's what infidelity does. It ruins any beautiful or funny memories you ever had. Everything becomes tainted. Everything you ever held dear about your marriage becomes a mirage. It can't be trusted. All the picture albums, vacations, special dinners....they are all forever held in suspension. 

I tell you this to remind you that loving someone is a decision you make. Every day. God gave us free will so we can choose to love. Choose to love Him and each other. It's what makes love a gift. It has to be freely given. And when that happens, it's so amazing and powerful. And when it's taken away unexpectedly, it is a betrayal like no other. So, when you find love, James, love with your whole heart. Let her never doubt how much you care. Show her. As a man, God requires you to use all that strength of body and heart for others. So love her. Always. And forever. 

Love you son. Love you the most.