Harmony re-established after the storm

Moms, having a unique bond with their children, experience the ebb and flow of harmony. Some days you are in harmony with your children and some days, not so much. Over the past several days, a tension was building in our home and it grew to a fevered pitch over the weekend. My beloved son had been saying, "You don't know nothing" to any sort of correction about anything. It was accompanied by: "No!" or "You can't make me!" or "Give me one more chance!" or the very overused, "That's not fair!". He got sent to bed without a story on Friday night and screamed and cried about it. For a long time. This was unusual. Fed up with his behavior and feeling that I was losing control, I went downstairs, collected all of the Skylander characters, unplugged the Wii and put them all in a box. My husband was only too eager to help. We also put his "phone" in the box.(James has an old phone of ours in which to play games. There is no cell service on it, just the ability to access our wifi in our home.) Saturday morning, as I still lay in bed, James noticed the Wii and the Skylanders were not in their usual place. I heard him mention it to my husband and Chris told him that they were put away for a while. There were no hysterics to my surprise. He seemed to take it in stride. By Sunday, the harmony between my son and I had ebbed farther than I would have anticipated.

Chris planned to take Sparky for a walk and naturally James wanted to go. But he wouldn't get dressed! Then I decided to come along. That put James over the edge. Not only was he STILL not dressed he was now repeatedly asking Chris, "Why did you tell her!!!!" and then coming to find me in my bathroom and telling me that he didn't want me to go. Ah, warm fuzzies abound! Well, James was now CRYING in his room and I told Chris to just go ahead and take Sparky for a walk and I would stay home with James. I was not prepared for what happened next. James came into the bathroom again asking me why I had to go and I informed him that Daddy left just now. He wasn't dressed, didn't follow directions. He lost control. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed that this was my son. He ran screaming out of the bathroom with his shorts in his hands, down the stairs SCREAMING, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I'm scared! Daddy!" (Chris later told me that he could hear him outside). My first response was anger but it quickly turned to concern. He was trying to run out of the house while he is visibly angry, out of control and....scared. As I stood between him and the garage door, he stood and put on his shorts. His little hands were shaking because he was so worked up and....lost. Too many big emotions to handle. Still screaming, crying and now with snot running down his face, I told him to go upstairs to his room. I was thinking, "It's safe there.  No doors leading to the outside". I felt I needed to stay in his room with him. I was afraid he would hurt himself. He was still screaming and crying and calling for his Daddy. I tried to hug him and I felt him give in just for a split second and then he stiffened and readied himself for the struggle. He needed me to   help him gain control again. He needed to know that he was not too much to handle. I used the Parent Hold.

The Parent Hold is a strategy I learned in "Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos Calm". I guided James to the floor and sat him in front of me, his back to my chest. I grabbed his flailing arms by the wrists and crossed my legs Indian style over his legs. It was hot and we both began to sweat from the effort. He flailed and yelled at me, "Get off of me Mommy: I can't breath Mommy! You're hurting me Mommy!" He was behaving and screaming exactly the way the book said children do. It was a textbook example. I told him as gently as I could that I would let go as soon as he settled down. He tried to bite me once and then flung his head into my chest once. I really don't know how long we were like that. It felt like an eternity. He was so angry and scared. Finally he began to fight less so I loosened my hold on his arms. He had grabbed one of his shirts (his security blanket if you will) with his toes and took it into his hands to hold. He got quieter so that he could now hear my voice and I shushed him and told him it was OK  He went limp. I removed my legs from over top of his and stroked his hair. He just sat against me silently. We stayed this way for a while too. I felt such relief to be on the other side of it. He finally turned to me to tell me again that he wanted to walk with Daddy and Sparky. I reminded him that Daddy had asked him to get dressed and he didn't. It was then I realized that we had failed James. We hadn't provided the leadership HE needed. So. I renewed my effort to stay consistent with clear and concise rules and follow through. Here is what we talked about yesterday:

1. A friendly bid for cooperation
2. "I mean business" reminder
• If you need another reminder you are going to your room.
3. Off to your room (with door open)
• escorted to his room
• set terms of time out

There are two more parts to this. If James can't remain quietly in his room with the door open, then we shut it. And, lastly, is the Parent Hold. I never thought I would have to use it.

I also implemented the "Kitchen closes at 7pm" rule and "Eating at the table" rule. This has been a surprisingly FUN rule to James. He likes to pretend to play restaurant. The kitchen is now known as "Connie's Kitchen". He scoots a chair to the bar, stands on it and orders food. He has added another element. He has to PAY for his food.

James was exhausted from his efforts yesterday. He slept until 8:45 this morning. As a spirited child who seems driven to test all limits of authority he needs limits and most importantly, he needs his parents to maintain those limits. He remembers ALL the rules. James can't articulate why he lost control yesterday or what it felt like. But he knew he had gone beyond bad behavior even before he lost it. He didn't know how to calm down. He didn't know where to go. What to do. As much as I have gotten teased for reading and doing too much research on whatever I want to know about, I am grateful I knew about the Parent Hold. To see James so lost and scared like he was, I could not leave him in his room alone to figure it all out. He doesn't have the capability to do so. I doubt I will ever have to use it again. I pray I don't. James seems much happier today with the reaffirmed and clear rules. He wants to be a good boy. But he desperately needs his parents to set the limits and maintain them. And, today, I am hearing the randomly said, "I love you Mom". Ahhhhh. Harmony is in balance again.

Happy New Year! Looking ahead

With the Christmas break behind me, I am now getting back to some semblance of a routine. We started back to school this week. We took a good 2 1/2 weeks off from our lessons and it was a great vacation. We spent Christmas this year with my husband's parents in Orlando. It was the first Christmas we have spent with them in the 12 years we have been together (dating and being married).

Even  JoeJohn the Elf flew down to Orlando for Christmas. He is a good little elf

Opening presents on Christmas morning

On Christmas morning, James was happily surprised to see that Santa had brought him a Wii and the Skylanders Giants game and the Monster Jam monster truck game. Chris and I have debated the idea of getting James a gaming console for a couple of years now. At the last minute, on Christmas Eve, we decided that it would be OK for James to have a Wii. Santa brought a refurbished Wii. We decided that since James likes to play video games so much that we could better monitor what he is playing, limit his time better and use it as leverage for good behavior etc. I have to confess that when Chris hooked it up and James got to play on Christmas day, I got worried. He didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to eat, take a break...nothing but play Skylanders. However, once we got home, he settled down a bit and I began to establish the rules for playing on the Wii. We do lessons Monday through Friday and they must be completed first before being able to play. He can also lose the privilege if he is not listening or if he hasn't done his chores (cleaning his room and putting clothes where they belong). I have been pleasantly surprised that he is doing great. He still likes to be with me doing things during the day and he has been spending a lot of time just playing with his action figures and cars like little boys do. I love to see and hear him play like that. Sometimes when he catches me watching him he says, "Don't laugh ok?". And I tell him, "I promise.". And I never do.

Soon, we will be starting our 8-week semester with the homeschool co-op. I am teaching a reading class again. This semester I am working with a new co-teacher and we are reading from Five in a Row Volume 3 reading list. You gotta love Amazon! We will have 14 students (so far) and I am looking forward to it. James will be in my class this semester (last year he chose a different class!). He will be taking my reading class and a class on Outer Space! He is going to have a great time.

We are also gearing up for soccer to begin again soon and we are still active with the Park Play days. All the moms with boys show up! It cracks me up. The boys REALLY need the outdoor play so much. They all bring their scooters to the various parks and whiz around together. It's really awesome. Another activity that James and I did together over the holiday was a 5K! Yep, we walked/ran a 5K in downtown Raleigh. We were very festive and had a great time together.

The Jingle Bells 5K

I have signed up for my first 5K of 2013 and it will be a family affair....James and Chris are doing it too! A boy who is a homeschooler and a cub scout is putting on a 5K to raise awareness -and food- for the local food pantry. The entry fee is 20 cans of food for the pantry. :) I plan to train for a 10K this Spring so I will signing up for one soon.

As for the academics and the crux of homeschooling, James is doing great! I find that the challenges of homeschooling is not the academics...but everything else. I am still working (and working more than last year. Thanks Obama) but we are  making our crazy life work. James can now write all his capital letters, count by 2's, 5's and 10's. He can add single, double and triple digits. He can sing the ABC song and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The Skylanders game is actually helping him develop critical thinking skills, strategy and sequencing.  All in all, Chris and I are very pleased with our progress this year. 

Ok, gotta run. Lunch time!