I am totally getting this t-shirt for James.
Raising a strong-willed child has been extremely exhausting these last couple of days. I have had to look for encouragement in my books and online and talking to my husband. And, ha ha, surprise to me, the strength of the will is something children are born with...it's NOT something they learn. I have always believed that all children have something inside of them that is solely their own. One can not interact with them and attribute their total personality to their parents. Yes, I know, James has adopted some of my vocabulary and mannerisms as well as his Dad's. But that kernel of himself that is solely his own is something I see every day. And I know one day I will LOVE his tenacity, his relentlessness in trying to get his own way for he will take that out into the world. And it will make him strong enough to handle anything that comes his way. But I don't love the tenacity at the moment. All that fight and unrelenting willfulness is directed at me! And THEN I learn that according to Dr. James Dobson, "the temperaments of the child reflect those of the parents"! What??? I was a well-behaved kid and...oh wait. I remember something.
There was this time in 3rd grade. We were supposed to be good so that we earned NO points in class for talking or whatever. I got 23 points one time. In one week! We were supposed to aim for the "Golden Apple Award". I didn't get it that week. Just sayin'. I started racking up points pretty early in the week so I decided, "Well, there is absolutely NO chance of winning now so I am going to do what I like. You know, have fun. Throw caution to the wind. What I ended up with was a call to my parents and a trip to the psychologist. For testing. Guess I tested fine because I went back to 3rd grade and everything was fine. I eventually got that dang Golden Apple too. Got my picture took with the Principal. (That's how people say it in the South...we have our "picture took"). And...
There was this time in 6th grade. This boy (yes a boy!) kept harassing me and I was fed up one day. So while we were in the cafeteria for lunch, I told him to meet me outside when he was done eating. That didn't amount to anything. My teacher overheard me. She called my Mom too. And then...
Even later on in life, like in graduate school, I got called into the Director's office for a meeting. She had her yellow legal pad out when I arrived. I knew I was in trouble. I wanted answers from a professor that was not communicating...at all! It was so infuriating. She preferred teaching via the Socratic method and that didn't really fit my needs so I sent her an email. Annnddddd she forwarded it to the Director. 'Nough said about that. I was remorseful and apologized. In person.
Ok, I'm sensing a pattern here. And I don't even know all the stories Chris could tell!!! Geez Louise. James is definitely getting his temperament from both sides. I love to share
But! In my own defense, when boys weren't harassing me and what not, I was defending the new pretty girl in high school against older and pretty (and jealous) girls in said high school. I defended my sister against any foe because I was the only one who could be mean to her! Not you! (figurative "you". Not you who might be reading this right now). The BIG point to all of this is that I questioned authority and I wasn't afraid to do it. I have always had that confidence. Perhaps that is my strong will showing itself. I have always been fearless about confrontations, telling the truth bluntly whether it is something lovely or hard to take. I kind of don't have a hard time saying what I want neither. No comments from the peanut gallery necessary.
I DO have a mini-me...on the inside! James is seeking his own way. He is fighting for independence and power over ANYTHING in his life. It's probably why he eats about a handful of things. Oh he's polite about it, "No thanks", he says when we ask him to try something new. And he's only FIVE! Holy cow! I have to learn to take it in stride or I will go insane and I will take James with me. I do not want to crush his spirit but I need to direct it to positive means and challenge his mind. Without that, I'm in trouble! So, I implemented a new chart yesterday that I got from Dr. James Dobson's book The New Strong-willed Child. Here's what it looks like:
I had to change a couple of the "attitudes to make it fit our needs. "Sister" is now "school" and "Friends" is now "dinnertime".
It's working. James needs that structure. A goal. And I scoured the internet for fun family things that we can do as a reward. He liked a lot of it. Some of it costs money but maybe 1/2 of the list were things we could do at home for free or cheaply. Things like:
- Have a family car wash
- Experience the Night - bring chairs outside at sunset to listen/observe creatures of the night
- Backyard camp out
- Game Night- board games, cards, Wii
- Cake bake off
- Go to Frankies
- Bowling Night
- Campfire Cook out
- Reading Out Loud Night (Alex Rider series, Where the red fern grows)
- Fly kites
As I am wrapping up this post (Tuesday, 6/4/2013), things are much better. We got out of the house today. We went to the park and had some great quality time together. We observed bugs (even though I got mad when he stomped one) and smelled the magnolias and tasted the sweet nectar from the honeysuckle bushes. He insisted we hold hands for half the time. I love my boy and I am so glad he is tenacious. I really and truly am!
