The Sunshine song. I sang that song to you when you were a baby. It was the first one I ever sang to you. You didn't know then that I couldn't carry a tune but you seemed to like to hear it anyway. It wasn't until you could talk that you ever so sweetly (not!) told me to stop. So I started just telling you that you were my sunshine instead of singing, It was a good compromise.
In the past few months since it's just been you and me living here in our house, you have shone even brighter for me. I have found that I have so much love in my heart and if I didn't have you to pour it out on, I wouldn't be doing so well. You are the reason I have found my strength and courage. You are the reason that I smile and feel hopeful about our future.
We have had the hard conversation about why Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. You have been so brave and resilient. It amazes me. I am so proud of you.
You are thriving at school. You have shown that you can meet the challenges thrown at you. At school, your reading level is strongly connected to your writing skills. You had to move back a couple of reading levels because of your writing skills. But in recent weeks, you have improved your writing so much! It's incredible. You even wrote three "books" on your own! You wrote "Pink Eye Symptoms", "My 4-legged Family" and "Transformers Age of Extinction". All of them were super cute. Just adorable! I feel vindicated in homeschooling you for the "early years". You started public school at age seven when I really believe that's when kids are the most ready for academic rigor.You have welcomed the daily structure of school and you are reading on your own more at home. You have even have a new BF (your word) and you like staying after school when he does so y'all can play together.
All of these things give me such peace.
The hardest part of parenting alone is when you are sick. You've been too sick to go to school on 2 different occasions. I HATE that I can't be at home with you when you are sick. I never had to think about that before. I was home during the day and Daddy was home with you at night. You just stayed at home when you were sick. Now, you go to stay at MawMaw and Didi's. And I love them for it. Even with you having a terribly contagious case of pink eye, MawMaw told me to bring you over. Because she knew I couldn't miss work. That is some kind of special love.
I miss you terribly when you aren't home. Especially when I am working and can't be with you. You don't know it and you won't ever see it but that's when I cry. I am heartbroken. For myself and for you too. And there are no answers. There is only moving forward. I am so glad that we are doing it together.
I count on our daily rituals.
- Making a Nutella sandwich for you EVERY morning you go to school.
- Being home every afternoon when you get off the bus or
- Picking you up at the Afterschool program so you can play with your BF
- Eating dinner at the bar and you asking me, "What do you want to talk about?" or "How has your day been today?"
- Bath/shower time has never been a thing I looked forward to but you are becoming more independent and it works. Sometimes you shower and sometimes you want to play in the tub. Your imagination has moved into overdrive. I have to pop my head in there sometimes just to make sure that there isn't a real person in there with you! You talk up a storm!
- Cuddle time. I love it. You schooch close to me up in my bed and we watch a cartoon or some crazy documentary you have found on Netflix (right now you like "Weird or What" with William Shatner. You think he's cool.)
- You fall asleep right next to me most nights. You used to kick me all night long. Not anymore. Weird. And thanks.
- On Sundays we go to church. You seem to look forward to it and you always want to know if I go on my own when you are visiting Daddy.
When all these changes happened and Daddy went to live elsewhere, I thought there was purpose in my marriage to Daddy even though it will be ending. I know the purpose now. There were two. One was that I needed to know what it felt like to be loved for all of me. I believe that Daddy loved all of me when we got married and for a long, long time after that. And two, it was you. I needed you. I needed to be a Mom. It makes me a better person. God has truly blessed me in the best way. He gave me my very own Sunshine.
