I am no Foodie

I am just not a foodie. I love food don't get me wrong. I mean, I gotta eat. But I am not one of those people who loves to watch people cook on TV. I don't watch the Food Network. Ever. I don't subscribe to cooking magazines or food magazines. I've never actually bought a cookbook. All the cookbooks I have were given to me as gifts. I do love them. I have tried new recipes because of them. I just can not (or don't) spend a lot of time thinking about food. It used to drive me crazy when my husband would call me from work at 8:30 in the morning and ask, "What's for dinner?"!! Huh?!? I'm thinking, "I haven't had 2 cups of coffee yet! I don't know what I'm eating for breakfast yet! Or when!"

Now, my husband has always been an adventurous eater. I have watched cooking shows because HE watches cooking shows. Gordon Ramsey is a favorite. For him, eating is an occasion to be savored. Always. He will eat anything once. It never fails to surprise me that he will eat the fish soup at any Chinese restaurant. He'll have no idea what's in it but he orders it and eats it all.

I read once that people view food in one of 3 ways. The one I remember is the one that best described my view of food. It's fuel. That's it. I must eat. I must eat so I can run a good race, keep up with James and most importantly, stay alive!!!

I suspect James is like me in that way. We talk about the nutritional facts for any and all foods whether it be vegetables or junk food. We talk about the different types of sugar. The sugar in fruit or milk is much better for you than the sugar in Sour Patch Kids. Tonight, for example, I baked spaghetti squash...for the first time! I can't believe I am 43 and just now discovering spaghetti squash. Well, I looked up the nutritional value of it and shared it with James as it was cooking. Tons of vitamin A and potassium. A fraction of the calories of regular spaghetti from a box. And just as fun!!
                                            

James is clever. I think he realizes that I am more discriminating than his Dad when it comes to food and trying new things. Tonight as we sat to eat said spaghetti squash I reminded James that this was also MY first time eating it. We kept it simple. Salt and butter for flavor.  I didn't say much while I ate but then James said, "I like it because it doesn't taste like anything." I agreed, "Yeah. I think mine needs a little more salt" and reached for the sea salt grinder on the table. He responded with, "I think I want a little more salt too". Chris gave him one turn of the grinder over his squash.

I don't know the outcome of dinner at this point. He got sent to his room right before I had to run out the door to go to work. He was burping on purpose and slurping his milk. He would not even let the crab cakes I made sit on his plate. I am OK with that. He has been extremely consistent about not eating meat (except chicken nuggets). That is going to take some time.  He also turned up his nose at the green beans. So! Spaghetti squash for dinner!

Baby steps. Healthy attitude towards food. Those are my goals.

No More Short Order Cook.

I decided that James will eat whatever we eat for dinner. It's time. No more cooking a dang grilled cheese every single night. So last night I made baked chicken and broccoli over pasta. James cried like I slapped him when I put his plate in front of him. My husband got crafty tonight after I left for work. He cut up the chicken into shreds, melted some cheese over it and put on pita bread. James ate 3 bites. And afterwards:

Chris: "Thanks for trying it James."

James: "Thanks for making me eat it."

What?!?! That's right. He thanked his Dad for making him eat something he has heretofore refused to even let sit on his plate.

Tonight, as I went downstairs to start dinner, James asked to help. He wanted to know what we were having. Salad and kale ravioli with marinara sauce. He wanted to know what kale tasted like and I told him we had some in the frig. Next thing I know, he is in there searching for kale! He wants to take a bite of it. Taste it. He did it twice! He seemed even a little eager to try the ravioli. I told him it had cheese and kale inside and it's made with wheat pasta on the outside. He says, "Whole wheat pasta?!? I like that!". Now you tell me!

Here is James with his plate presented to him. See how apprehensive he is? All he has on the plate are carrots, cucumber slices and ONE ravioli. Marinara on the side. Water to drink. (If I give him milk, he will chug it and be full.)

We talked for a bit about the food on his plate and he is smiling and excited. What if he ate the whole entire ravioli??? He says, "I could have brownies for dessert!" I told him, "If you ate the whole thing, Daddy would totally take you to the DQ." I was dead serious and he knew it. His sweet face lit up like the twelfth of July (that's his birthday). He took one GOOD bite and chewed. It was not his favorite but he drank some water and took another bite. He would not try the marina. I tried to tell him it would make it taste even better. He was having no part of it. (honestly, he never liked the pasta with tomato sauce in baby food either) He is not a dipper. Won't even put gloriously delicious real maple syrup on his pancakes. What the world? 

In the end, he ate 5 bites of the ravioli and ate all his vegetables. That was the deal. And let me tell you, he is a negotiator. He negotiated until it was time for me to go to work. 30 minutes. He can wear you down if you aren't mentally prepared for it. He is a strong-willed child. I will love that later. I didn't love it today.

It has just occurred to me that James has been a PILL these last 2 days because he knows he will have to eat something new at dinner. So the rest of the day he has been defiant and contrary...about every little thing! It has not been fun. It was so bad yesterday that I cancelled an outing for today. And grounded him from the computer. He got sent to his room at least 5 times today for being disrespectful and defiant. 

I love him so much. One day he will understand it better. He will see it with his adult eyes. Sometimes we play a game called "What was the worst part of your day? What was the best part of your day?". Yesterday we read his entire book of mythological monsters. That was the best part. That happened at 8:30 in the morning. Today? Watching him take little steps to becoming a Big Kid. I had the chance to give him praise today. To tell him that I am SUPER SUPER proud of him for trying new food. There is a part of me that thinks he wants me to push him to this...because he won't do it by himself. He knows I care about him and his future. I don't want him to be some 60-year-old dude who only eats grilled cheeses for lunch and dinner. No way. If he does become that guy, it won't be for lack of having tried new food. And he'll still be expected to eat what I cook when he comes to visit!

The Force is STRONG with this One.

I am totally getting this t-shirt for James.

Raising a strong-willed child has been extremely exhausting these last couple of days. I have had to look for encouragement in my books and online and talking to my husband. And, ha ha, surprise to me, the strength of the will is something children are born with...it's NOT something they learn. I have always believed that all children have something inside of them that is solely their own. One can not interact with them and attribute their total personality to their parents. Yes, I know, James has adopted some of my vocabulary and mannerisms as well as his Dad's. But that kernel of himself that is solely his own is something I see every day. And I know one day I will LOVE his tenacity, his relentlessness in trying to get his own way for he will take that out into the world. And it will make him strong enough to handle anything that comes his way. But I don't love the tenacity at the moment. All that fight and unrelenting willfulness is directed at me! And THEN I learn that according to Dr. James Dobson, "the temperaments of the child reflect those of the parents"! What??? I was a well-behaved kid and...oh wait. I remember something.

 There was this time in 3rd grade. We were supposed to be good so that we earned NO points in class for talking or whatever. I got 23 points one time. In one week! We were supposed to aim for the "Golden Apple Award". I didn't get it that week. Just sayin'. I started racking up points pretty early in the week so I decided, "Well, there is absolutely NO chance of winning now so I am going to do what I like. You know, have fun. Throw caution to the wind. What I ended up with was a call to my parents and a trip to the psychologist. For testing. Guess I tested fine because I went back to 3rd grade and everything was fine. I eventually got that dang Golden Apple too. Got my picture took with the Principal. (That's how people say it in the South...we have our "picture took"). And...

There was this time in 6th grade. This boy (yes a boy!) kept harassing me and I was fed up one day. So while we were in the cafeteria for lunch, I told him to meet me outside when he was done eating. That didn't amount to anything. My teacher overheard me. She called my Mom too. And then...

Even later on in life, like in graduate school, I got called into the Director's office for a meeting. She had her yellow legal pad out when I arrived. I knew I was in trouble. I wanted answers from a professor that was not communicating...at all! It was so infuriating. She preferred teaching via the Socratic method and that didn't really fit my needs so I sent her an email. Annnddddd she forwarded it to the Director. 'Nough said about that. I was remorseful and apologized. In person.

Ok, I'm sensing a pattern here. And I don't even know all the stories Chris could tell!!! Geez Louise. James is definitely getting his temperament from both sides. I love to share the blame so I will gladly share this with Chris!!!

But! In my own defense, when boys weren't harassing me and what not, I was defending the new pretty girl in high school against older and pretty (and jealous) girls in said high school. I defended my sister against any foe because I was the only one who could be mean to her! Not you! (figurative "you". Not you who might be reading this right now). The BIG point to all of this is that I questioned authority and I wasn't afraid to do it. I have always had that confidence. Perhaps that is my strong will showing itself. I have always been fearless about confrontations, telling the truth bluntly whether it is something lovely or hard to take. I kind of don't have a hard time saying what I want neither. No comments from the peanut gallery necessary.

I DO have a mini-me...on the inside! James is seeking his own way. He is fighting for independence and power over ANYTHING in his life. It's probably why he eats about a handful of things. Oh he's polite about it, "No thanks", he says when we ask him to try something new. And he's only FIVE! Holy cow! I  have to learn to take it in stride or I will go insane and I will take James with me. I do not want to crush his spirit but I need to direct it to positive means and challenge his mind. Without that, I'm in trouble! So, I implemented a new chart yesterday that I got from Dr. James Dobson's book The New Strong-willed Child. Here's what it looks like:

                                               

 I had to change a couple of the "attitudes to make it fit our needs. "Sister" is now "school" and "Friends" is now "dinnertime".

It's working. James needs that structure. A goal. And I scoured the internet for fun family things that we can do as a reward. He liked a lot of it. Some of it costs money but maybe 1/2 of the list were things we could do at home for free or cheaply. Things like:

• Have a family car wash
• Experience the Night - bring chairs outside at sunset to listen/observe creatures of the night
• Backyard camp out
• Game Night- board games, cards, Wii
• Cake bake off
• Go to Frankies
• Bowling Night
• Campfire Cook out
• Reading Out Loud Night (Alex Rider series, Where the red fern grows)
• Fly kites

As I am wrapping up this post (Tuesday, 6/4/2013), things are much better. We got out of the house today. We went to the park and had some great quality time together. We observed bugs (even though I got mad when he stomped one) and smelled the magnolias and tasted the sweet nectar from the honeysuckle bushes. He insisted we hold hands for half the time. I love my boy and I am so glad he is tenacious. I really and truly am!

Harmony re-established after the storm

Moms, having a unique bond with their children, experience the ebb and flow of harmony. Some days you are in harmony with your children and some days, not so much. Over the past several days, a tension was building in our home and it grew to a fevered pitch over the weekend. My beloved son had been saying, "You don't know nothing" to any sort of correction about anything. It was accompanied by: "No!" or "You can't make me!" or "Give me one more chance!" or the very overused, "That's not fair!". He got sent to bed without a story on Friday night and screamed and cried about it. For a long time. This was unusual. Fed up with his behavior and feeling that I was losing control, I went downstairs, collected all of the Skylander characters, unplugged the Wii and put them all in a box. My husband was only too eager to help. We also put his "phone" in the box.(James has an old phone of ours in which to play games. There is no cell service on it, just the ability to access our wifi in our home.) Saturday morning, as I still lay in bed, James noticed the Wii and the Skylanders were not in their usual place. I heard him mention it to my husband and Chris told him that they were put away for a while. There were no hysterics to my surprise. He seemed to take it in stride. By Sunday, the harmony between my son and I had ebbed farther than I would have anticipated.

Chris planned to take Sparky for a walk and naturally James wanted to go. But he wouldn't get dressed! Then I decided to come along. That put James over the edge. Not only was he STILL not dressed he was now repeatedly asking Chris, "Why did you tell her!!!!" and then coming to find me in my bathroom and telling me that he didn't want me to go. Ah, warm fuzzies abound! Well, James was now CRYING in his room and I told Chris to just go ahead and take Sparky for a walk and I would stay home with James. I was not prepared for what happened next. James came into the bathroom again asking me why I had to go and I informed him that Daddy left just now. He wasn't dressed, didn't follow directions. He lost control. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed that this was my son. He ran screaming out of the bathroom with his shorts in his hands, down the stairs SCREAMING, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I'm scared! Daddy!" (Chris later told me that he could hear him outside). My first response was anger but it quickly turned to concern. He was trying to run out of the house while he is visibly angry, out of control and....scared. As I stood between him and the garage door, he stood and put on his shorts. His little hands were shaking because he was so worked up and....lost. Too many big emotions to handle. Still screaming, crying and now with snot running down his face, I told him to go upstairs to his room. I was thinking, "It's safe there.  No doors leading to the outside". I felt I needed to stay in his room with him. I was afraid he would hurt himself. He was still screaming and crying and calling for his Daddy. I tried to hug him and I felt him give in just for a split second and then he stiffened and readied himself for the struggle. He needed me to   help him gain control again. He needed to know that he was not too much to handle. I used the Parent Hold.

The Parent Hold is a strategy I learned in "Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos Calm". I guided James to the floor and sat him in front of me, his back to my chest. I grabbed his flailing arms by the wrists and crossed my legs Indian style over his legs. It was hot and we both began to sweat from the effort. He flailed and yelled at me, "Get off of me Mommy: I can't breath Mommy! You're hurting me Mommy!" He was behaving and screaming exactly the way the book said children do. It was a textbook example. I told him as gently as I could that I would let go as soon as he settled down. He tried to bite me once and then flung his head into my chest once. I really don't know how long we were like that. It felt like an eternity. He was so angry and scared. Finally he began to fight less so I loosened my hold on his arms. He had grabbed one of his shirts (his security blanket if you will) with his toes and took it into his hands to hold. He got quieter so that he could now hear my voice and I shushed him and told him it was OK  He went limp. I removed my legs from over top of his and stroked his hair. He just sat against me silently. We stayed this way for a while too. I felt such relief to be on the other side of it. He finally turned to me to tell me again that he wanted to walk with Daddy and Sparky. I reminded him that Daddy had asked him to get dressed and he didn't. It was then I realized that we had failed James. We hadn't provided the leadership HE needed. So. I renewed my effort to stay consistent with clear and concise rules and follow through. Here is what we talked about yesterday:

1. A friendly bid for cooperation
2. "I mean business" reminder
• If you need another reminder you are going to your room.
3. Off to your room (with door open)
• escorted to his room
• set terms of time out

There are two more parts to this. If James can't remain quietly in his room with the door open, then we shut it. And, lastly, is the Parent Hold. I never thought I would have to use it.

I also implemented the "Kitchen closes at 7pm" rule and "Eating at the table" rule. This has been a surprisingly FUN rule to James. He likes to pretend to play restaurant. The kitchen is now known as "Connie's Kitchen". He scoots a chair to the bar, stands on it and orders food. He has added another element. He has to PAY for his food.

James was exhausted from his efforts yesterday. He slept until 8:45 this morning. As a spirited child who seems driven to test all limits of authority he needs limits and most importantly, he needs his parents to maintain those limits. He remembers ALL the rules. James can't articulate why he lost control yesterday or what it felt like. But he knew he had gone beyond bad behavior even before he lost it. He didn't know how to calm down. He didn't know where to go. What to do. As much as I have gotten teased for reading and doing too much research on whatever I want to know about, I am grateful I knew about the Parent Hold. To see James so lost and scared like he was, I could not leave him in his room alone to figure it all out. He doesn't have the capability to do so. I doubt I will ever have to use it again. I pray I don't. James seems much happier today with the reaffirmed and clear rules. He wants to be a good boy. But he desperately needs his parents to set the limits and maintain them. And, today, I am hearing the randomly said, "I love you Mom". Ahhhhh. Harmony is in balance again.