Where I've Been...

This blog used to be titled "The Fun Yellow Room". I named it after a bright and sunny yellow paint color that I painted our homeschool room. We no longer live in that house. And I no longer homeschool.

I write about infidelity now because that I have experienced it first hand, I know that it's a kind of trauma that one does not fully recover from. You can never again be the person you were before it happened. You go through and endure a pain and betrayal that you never expected from the one person who said the loved you. They were the last person you expected to leave you on the floor a crumpled mess. BUT. You can go on to be happy and have a full and amazing life. It's true. I am content and I love my life. Never in a million years did I expect to be where I am today. I expected to be married to one man for the rest of my life. I expected to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. I expected to have a partner in raising my son.

DDay (Discovery Day of the cheating) was one year and 11 months ago. My divorce was final in October 2015. My son was 7 years old. 

During those days right after confronting my now ex-husband with cell phone records, he did not make any attempts to reconcile. In fact, he laughed and told me I was overreacting. I provided a list of 3 demands I needed from him:

1. Unfriend That Woman on Facebook
2. Transfer to another store (they worked together)
3. Admit your relationship with that woman was inappropriate and a betrayal of your marriage vow. You kept her a secret.

His response to my needs were plain. He wasn't going to transfer to a different store, they were just friends so he wasn't going to unfriend her on Facebook. He said that our marriage problems did not involve That Woman.

Funny, I didn't even know we had marriage problems. I realize now that he had a problem communicating his desire to leave our marriage. He was a coward. What made it all even more was that two weeks prior to actually finding evidence of his cheating, we were having sex. Twice. In the same day. That I initiated. Because I loved my husband. I admit this because people believe that the person who gets left was horrid and crappy to live with and made the cheater's life a living hell. Some people will believe that the faithful spouse MADE them cheat. I only wish I had power over another person that way. I certainly wouldn't have made him cheat. Someone who is living with a miserable person does not have sex with them. They do not live double lives. They leave. 

I am sure that the Ex-Cheater told That Woman he wasn't happy,  And she obviously didn't care that he was married. With a child. She knew of course. We'd met. Yes, she had seen my son and I in the flesh when the Ex started working with her. She was his boss. At a home improvement store. She has been married at least 3 times already. She is a grandmother. She is not 20 years younger than me, big boobs and blonde. Nope. I expected that. I figured she had to be young and beautiful. Nope she's my age and frumpy. Oh, and she lacks any morals and good character. Same as him.

So I shall write blog posts and I will post my poetry as well. Stay tuned.

What I want You to know about my Name

Dear James,
You are now a child of divorced parents. It makes me want to cry and scream with pain and anger and sadness. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I married your Dad thinking that we would be together forever. That is what I promised on our wedding day. And I lived it up until the end.

Today I went to the local Social Security office and officially changed my last name. I am now, legally, Connie Jo Hutchinson. Just like it was on the day I was born. The name I carried until I married your Dad.

It took 10 minutes to make the change. Simple and easy, yet not really. It was sad, James. It was a reminder of the betrayal. A reminder that I am unloved by the man who promised to love me always and forever. I went out to the car afterwards and just cried. Why did things turn out this way? Why can't people keep their promises? Why can't people just be honest and respectful and say they don't love you anymore instead of cheating? I'll tell you why. It's because the right thing is not always the easy thing. In fact, it's usually a hard thing. But it's worth it. Every single time.

During this long year of separation, I had debated in my mind about changing my name. I figured I had time to decide and surely something would happen that would be a defining moment. It came right after the 4th of July weekend. Your Dad emailed me to inform me that he had moved in with his Cheating Partner and her son and gave me their address. I was disgusted. And in that moment, I knew that I could no longer be a Lewis. I got that name from him the day we married. And now he is a full-fledged cheater and a man who abandoned his family for all the world to see.

During that same exact weekend, I was moving out of our home. The life we had as a family was over. Had been over. Our home was no longer ours. I had to sell it because I could no longer afford it alone. I was relieved to be rid of the financial burden but I was also saddened by all that you and I lost.

So now I am taking back my freedom. I am now free from being associated with a cheater and carrying the name of a person who no longer loves me.

It amazes me how an event can be so heartbreaking and yet be a blessing at the same time. I don't think it is always known that a thing is a blessing at that moment but over time, it becomes clear. These are times I embrace God's perfect timing and purpose for my life, James. I trust that God knows what He is doing.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans give you hope and a future.   -Jeremiah 29:11

One last thing, James. I love you. I love that YOU are a Lewis.You have grandparents that love you. An aunt and uncle too. And a very special Aunt that you got because your Dad comes from a wonderful family. They love us both very much. Remember that and be proud.

An open letter to my son: You are my Sunshine

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"  -Elizaabeth Stone

The Sunshine song. I sang that song to you when you were a baby. It was the first one I ever sang to you. You didn't know then that I couldn't carry a tune but you seemed to like to hear it anyway. It wasn't until you could talk that you ever so sweetly (not!) told me to stop. So I started just telling you that you were my sunshine instead of singing, It was a good compromise.

In the past few months since it's just been you and me living here in our house, you have shone even brighter for me. I have found that I have so much love in  my heart and if I didn't have you to pour it out on, I wouldn't be doing so well. You are the reason I have found my strength and courage. You are the reason that I smile and feel hopeful about our future.

We have had the hard conversation about why Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. You have been so brave and resilient. It amazes me. I am so proud of you.

You are thriving at school. You have shown that you can meet the challenges thrown at you. At school, your reading level is strongly connected to your writing skills. You had to move back a couple of reading levels because of your writing skills. But in recent weeks, you have improved your writing so much! It's incredible. You even wrote three "books" on your own! You wrote "Pink Eye Symptoms", "My 4-legged Family" and "Transformers Age of Extinction". All of them were super cute. Just adorable! I feel vindicated in homeschooling you for the "early years". You started public school at age seven when I really believe that's when kids are the most ready for academic rigor.You have welcomed the daily structure of school and you are reading on your own more at home. You have even have a new BF (your word) and you like staying after school when he does so y'all can play together.

All of these things give me such peace.

The hardest part of parenting alone is when you are sick. You've been too sick to go to school on 2 different occasions. I HATE that I can't be at home with you when you are sick. I never had to think about that before. I was home during the day and Daddy was home with you at night. You just stayed at home when you were sick. Now, you go to stay at MawMaw and Didi's. And I love them for it. Even with you having a terribly contagious case of pink eye, MawMaw told me to bring you over. Because she knew I couldn't miss work. That is some kind of special love.

I miss you terribly when you aren't home. Especially when I am working and can't be with you. You don't know it and you won't ever see it but that's when I cry. I am heartbroken. For myself and for you too. And there are no answers. There is only moving forward. I am so glad that we are doing it together.

I count on our daily rituals.

• Making a Nutella sandwich for you EVERY morning you go to school.
• Being home every afternoon when you get off the bus or
• Picking you up at the Afterschool program so you can play with your BF
• Eating dinner at the bar and you asking me, "What do you want to talk about?" or "How has your day been today?"
• Bath/shower time has never been a thing I looked forward to but you are becoming more independent and it works. Sometimes you shower and sometimes you want to play in the tub. Your imagination has moved into overdrive. I have to pop my head in there sometimes just to make sure that there isn't a real person in there with you! You talk up a storm!
• Cuddle time. I love it. You schooch close to me up in my bed and we watch a cartoon or some crazy documentary you have found on Netflix (right now you like "Weird or What" with William Shatner. You think he's cool.)
• You fall asleep right next to me most nights. You used to kick me all night long. Not anymore. Weird. And thanks. 
• On Sundays we go to church. You seem to look forward to it and you always want to know if I go on my own when you are visiting Daddy. 

When all these changes happened and Daddy went to live elsewhere, I thought there was purpose in my marriage to Daddy even though it will be ending. I know the purpose now. There were two. One was that I needed to know what it felt like to be loved for all of me. I believe that Daddy loved all of me when we got married and for a long, long time after that. And two, it was you. I needed you. I needed to be a Mom. It makes me a better person. God has truly blessed me in the best way.  He gave me my very own Sunshine.