What I want You to know about my Name

Dear James,
You are now a child of divorced parents. It makes me want to cry and scream with pain and anger and sadness. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I married your Dad thinking that we would be together forever. That is what I promised on our wedding day. And I lived it up until the end.

Today I went to the local Social Security office and officially changed my last name. I am now, legally, Connie Jo Hutchinson. Just like it was on the day I was born. The name I carried until I married your Dad.

It took 10 minutes to make the change. Simple and easy, yet not really. It was sad, James. It was a reminder of the betrayal. A reminder that I am unloved by the man who promised to love me always and forever. I went out to the car afterwards and just cried. Why did things turn out this way? Why can't people keep their promises? Why can't people just be honest and respectful and say they don't love you anymore instead of cheating? I'll tell you why. It's because the right thing is not always the easy thing. In fact, it's usually a hard thing. But it's worth it. Every single time.

During this long year of separation, I had debated in my mind about changing my name. I figured I had time to decide and surely something would happen that would be a defining moment. It came right after the 4th of July weekend. Your Dad emailed me to inform me that he had moved in with his Cheating Partner and her son and gave me their address. I was disgusted. And in that moment, I knew that I could no longer be a Lewis. I got that name from him the day we married. And now he is a full-fledged cheater and a man who abandoned his family for all the world to see.

During that same exact weekend, I was moving out of our home. The life we had as a family was over. Had been over. Our home was no longer ours. I had to sell it because I could no longer afford it alone. I was relieved to be rid of the financial burden but I was also saddened by all that you and I lost.

So now I am taking back my freedom. I am now free from being associated with a cheater and carrying the name of a person who no longer loves me.

It amazes me how an event can be so heartbreaking and yet be a blessing at the same time. I don't think it is always known that a thing is a blessing at that moment but over time, it becomes clear. These are times I embrace God's perfect timing and purpose for my life, James. I trust that God knows what He is doing.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans give you hope and a future.   -Jeremiah 29:11

One last thing, James. I love you. I love that YOU are a Lewis.You have grandparents that love you. An aunt and uncle too. And a very special Aunt that you got because your Dad comes from a wonderful family. They love us both very much. Remember that and be proud.

It would be our 13th wedding anniversary today...

Dear James,

Today is June 8th, 2015. For the past 12 years, I happily celebrated my wedding anniversary. Today though, it is just another Monday. Nothing special. Just a reminder of how much our lives have changed in the past 10 months.

Last year was my last "real" wedding anniversary. Your Dad was already having an affair. I wouldn't find out for another two months. 

We did what had become a tradition. We went out to dinner at Winston's Grille in Raleigh. We'd celebrated many anniversaries there. I bought your Dad some good-smelling cologne. He'd been without for a while and I knew he wanted some. He bought me a set of cast-iron soap dishes....and a beer tab bracelet. I never understood why he bought it. I thought it was about something funny that I had forgotten. But no. There was never an explanation for it. Once I learned the truth about the affair though, I wondered if he and Melissa had a good laugh about something at my expense.

That's what infidelity does. It ruins any beautiful or funny memories you ever had. Everything becomes tainted. Everything you ever held dear about your marriage becomes a mirage. It can't be trusted. All the picture albums, vacations, special dinners....they are all forever held in suspension. 

I tell you this to remind you that loving someone is a decision you make. Every day. God gave us free will so we can choose to love. Choose to love Him and each other. It's what makes love a gift. It has to be freely given. And when that happens, it's so amazing and powerful. And when it's taken away unexpectedly, it is a betrayal like no other. So, when you find love, James, love with your whole heart. Let her never doubt how much you care. Show her. As a man, God requires you to use all that strength of body and heart for others. So love her. Always. And forever. 

Love you son. Love you the most.

An open letter to my son: You are my Sunshine

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body"  -Elizaabeth Stone

The Sunshine song. I sang that song to you when you were a baby. It was the first one I ever sang to you. You didn't know then that I couldn't carry a tune but you seemed to like to hear it anyway. It wasn't until you could talk that you ever so sweetly (not!) told me to stop. So I started just telling you that you were my sunshine instead of singing, It was a good compromise.

In the past few months since it's just been you and me living here in our house, you have shone even brighter for me. I have found that I have so much love in  my heart and if I didn't have you to pour it out on, I wouldn't be doing so well. You are the reason I have found my strength and courage. You are the reason that I smile and feel hopeful about our future.

We have had the hard conversation about why Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. You have been so brave and resilient. It amazes me. I am so proud of you.

You are thriving at school. You have shown that you can meet the challenges thrown at you. At school, your reading level is strongly connected to your writing skills. You had to move back a couple of reading levels because of your writing skills. But in recent weeks, you have improved your writing so much! It's incredible. You even wrote three "books" on your own! You wrote "Pink Eye Symptoms", "My 4-legged Family" and "Transformers Age of Extinction". All of them were super cute. Just adorable! I feel vindicated in homeschooling you for the "early years". You started public school at age seven when I really believe that's when kids are the most ready for academic rigor.You have welcomed the daily structure of school and you are reading on your own more at home. You have even have a new BF (your word) and you like staying after school when he does so y'all can play together.

All of these things give me such peace.

The hardest part of parenting alone is when you are sick. You've been too sick to go to school on 2 different occasions. I HATE that I can't be at home with you when you are sick. I never had to think about that before. I was home during the day and Daddy was home with you at night. You just stayed at home when you were sick. Now, you go to stay at MawMaw and Didi's. And I love them for it. Even with you having a terribly contagious case of pink eye, MawMaw told me to bring you over. Because she knew I couldn't miss work. That is some kind of special love.

I miss you terribly when you aren't home. Especially when I am working and can't be with you. You don't know it and you won't ever see it but that's when I cry. I am heartbroken. For myself and for you too. And there are no answers. There is only moving forward. I am so glad that we are doing it together.

I count on our daily rituals.

• Making a Nutella sandwich for you EVERY morning you go to school.
• Being home every afternoon when you get off the bus or
• Picking you up at the Afterschool program so you can play with your BF
• Eating dinner at the bar and you asking me, "What do you want to talk about?" or "How has your day been today?"
• Bath/shower time has never been a thing I looked forward to but you are becoming more independent and it works. Sometimes you shower and sometimes you want to play in the tub. Your imagination has moved into overdrive. I have to pop my head in there sometimes just to make sure that there isn't a real person in there with you! You talk up a storm!
• Cuddle time. I love it. You schooch close to me up in my bed and we watch a cartoon or some crazy documentary you have found on Netflix (right now you like "Weird or What" with William Shatner. You think he's cool.)
• You fall asleep right next to me most nights. You used to kick me all night long. Not anymore. Weird. And thanks. 
• On Sundays we go to church. You seem to look forward to it and you always want to know if I go on my own when you are visiting Daddy. 

When all these changes happened and Daddy went to live elsewhere, I thought there was purpose in my marriage to Daddy even though it will be ending. I know the purpose now. There were two. One was that I needed to know what it felt like to be loved for all of me. I believe that Daddy loved all of me when we got married and for a long, long time after that. And two, it was you. I needed you. I needed to be a Mom. It makes me a better person. God has truly blessed me in the best way.  He gave me my very own Sunshine.

Never Say Never

I am just going to blurt it out.

James has been attending public school for almost 3 weeks now. 

I am not even joking. This is for real. And...I am okay with it. So is James.

I am sure you want to know why. I am always curious why homeschoolers make the decision to put their kids in public school. It's a life commitment and lifestyle. I know some do it when their children get older. And they thrive. Most homeschool parents I know are not militant about what they do. After all, so many of our family and friends have children in public school and we love them.

For me, the decision was sort of made for me. My husband and I are separated. I don't know where we will end up but it was unexpected and a shock to me. So, I want to take a minute to ask you to pray for me. For James. For our whole family and that includes my husband.

I registered James for school 2 weeks after it began.  I was scrambling to adjust my work hours, continue homeschooling and finding child care for James while I was still working night hours. I have said prayers of gratitude for my family in Louisburg and my neighbors living right next door.

Registering James for public school required deep breathing and the plastering onto my face the biggest and sweetest fake smile I could muster. (I personally think my fake smile is scary-looking) The guidance counselor could not understand that I didn't have attendance records. I had Woodcock-Johnson standardized test results that showed where James is academically but she was fixated on attendance records. I had to explain that North Carolina does not require homeschools to maintain attendance records (or even regsiter your homeschool) until the child turns 7.  Surely the schools get homeschoolers into the public school from time to time. I was surprised that they didn't have some inkling of the law. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

Now for more shocking news: School has been great. Both for James AND me. In all honesty, I was not looking forward to the beginning of the school year. I was tired. All summer. Working nights after doing so much during the day with James was exhausting. And I didn't feel I was doing enough. I went through the motions. I bought the curriculum I wanted to use, I was coordinating a boy's book club. I had signed up for the co-op on Fridays through our homeschool group. But I wasn't looking forward to any of it. It all just made me feel more tired.

See, when I get on a train, I can't get off. When I make a commitment that big, I don't quit. It NEVER occurred to me to stop. Ever. I needed someone to say to me, "Connie, stop it.". Not that I would have listened the first time. Probably not. I am not a quitter. (I will read a terrible book to the end because I can't stand not to finish it.) But stop homeschooling to save my marriage? Make it stronger? Hell yeah. The core of homeschooling, for me, is family and edcuation. But we were no longer having family time during the week. Thirty minutes for dinner before I had to run out tthe door for work is not quality time.

Ironic isn't it. I have free time now. I am doing less. I am at home at night. I am not so tired. But we are not an intact family. So, I am asking again. Pray for us.

Another revelation to share: I see God in the midst of the chaos. Sometimes God needs to do something BIG to get our attention. He certainly has mine. I don't know the why's or His reason but I am trusting in Him. The week that I decided to register James for school, my email inbox was inundated with emails from Crossroads Fellowship Church. Some days I would get 2 emails about all the goings-on and new classes and services. So I thought, "Fine God. I hear you. And I'm going." So we have. James and I. It's been good. The message for the month is about getting answers to the hard qustions like Why does God allow sin? Why Does God allow disease and disaster? In listening during the past few Sundays I know this: God allows sin because He gave us Free Will and wants us to use it.. He gave us the choice to love Him. Or not. The choice, also, to love each other. Or not. And sometimes He needs to get our attention.

I know God has a purpose for my life. I know there was (is?) purpose in my marriage and in homeschooling James in his early years. But the next chapter? I do not know. But I am not afraid.

I do not know if I will continue to post my writings here. I am no longer a homeschooler but my journey continues. So. Stay tuned if you wish.