Harmony re-established after the storm

Moms, having a unique bond with their children, experience the ebb and flow of harmony. Some days you are in harmony with your children and some days, not so much. Over the past several days, a tension was building in our home and it grew to a fevered pitch over the weekend. My beloved son had been saying, "You don't know nothing" to any sort of correction about anything. It was accompanied by: "No!" or "You can't make me!" or "Give me one more chance!" or the very overused, "That's not fair!". He got sent to bed without a story on Friday night and screamed and cried about it. For a long time. This was unusual. Fed up with his behavior and feeling that I was losing control, I went downstairs, collected all of the Skylander characters, unplugged the Wii and put them all in a box. My husband was only too eager to help. We also put his "phone" in the box.(James has an old phone of ours in which to play games. There is no cell service on it, just the ability to access our wifi in our home.) Saturday morning, as I still lay in bed, James noticed the Wii and the Skylanders were not in their usual place. I heard him mention it to my husband and Chris told him that they were put away for a while. There were no hysterics to my surprise. He seemed to take it in stride. By Sunday, the harmony between my son and I had ebbed farther than I would have anticipated.

Chris planned to take Sparky for a walk and naturally James wanted to go. But he wouldn't get dressed! Then I decided to come along. That put James over the edge. Not only was he STILL not dressed he was now repeatedly asking Chris, "Why did you tell her!!!!" and then coming to find me in my bathroom and telling me that he didn't want me to go. Ah, warm fuzzies abound! Well, James was now CRYING in his room and I told Chris to just go ahead and take Sparky for a walk and I would stay home with James. I was not prepared for what happened next. James came into the bathroom again asking me why I had to go and I informed him that Daddy left just now. He wasn't dressed, didn't follow directions. He lost control. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed that this was my son. He ran screaming out of the bathroom with his shorts in his hands, down the stairs SCREAMING, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I'm scared! Daddy!" (Chris later told me that he could hear him outside). My first response was anger but it quickly turned to concern. He was trying to run out of the house while he is visibly angry, out of control and....scared. As I stood between him and the garage door, he stood and put on his shorts. His little hands were shaking because he was so worked up and....lost. Too many big emotions to handle. Still screaming, crying and now with snot running down his face, I told him to go upstairs to his room. I was thinking, "It's safe there.  No doors leading to the outside". I felt I needed to stay in his room with him. I was afraid he would hurt himself. He was still screaming and crying and calling for his Daddy. I tried to hug him and I felt him give in just for a split second and then he stiffened and readied himself for the struggle. He needed me to   help him gain control again. He needed to know that he was not too much to handle. I used the Parent Hold.

The Parent Hold is a strategy I learned in "Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos Calm". I guided James to the floor and sat him in front of me, his back to my chest. I grabbed his flailing arms by the wrists and crossed my legs Indian style over his legs. It was hot and we both began to sweat from the effort. He flailed and yelled at me, "Get off of me Mommy: I can't breath Mommy! You're hurting me Mommy!" He was behaving and screaming exactly the way the book said children do. It was a textbook example. I told him as gently as I could that I would let go as soon as he settled down. He tried to bite me once and then flung his head into my chest once. I really don't know how long we were like that. It felt like an eternity. He was so angry and scared. Finally he began to fight less so I loosened my hold on his arms. He had grabbed one of his shirts (his security blanket if you will) with his toes and took it into his hands to hold. He got quieter so that he could now hear my voice and I shushed him and told him it was OK  He went limp. I removed my legs from over top of his and stroked his hair. He just sat against me silently. We stayed this way for a while too. I felt such relief to be on the other side of it. He finally turned to me to tell me again that he wanted to walk with Daddy and Sparky. I reminded him that Daddy had asked him to get dressed and he didn't. It was then I realized that we had failed James. We hadn't provided the leadership HE needed. So. I renewed my effort to stay consistent with clear and concise rules and follow through. Here is what we talked about yesterday:

1. A friendly bid for cooperation
2. "I mean business" reminder
• If you need another reminder you are going to your room.
3. Off to your room (with door open)
• escorted to his room
• set terms of time out

There are two more parts to this. If James can't remain quietly in his room with the door open, then we shut it. And, lastly, is the Parent Hold. I never thought I would have to use it.

I also implemented the "Kitchen closes at 7pm" rule and "Eating at the table" rule. This has been a surprisingly FUN rule to James. He likes to pretend to play restaurant. The kitchen is now known as "Connie's Kitchen". He scoots a chair to the bar, stands on it and orders food. He has added another element. He has to PAY for his food.

James was exhausted from his efforts yesterday. He slept until 8:45 this morning. As a spirited child who seems driven to test all limits of authority he needs limits and most importantly, he needs his parents to maintain those limits. He remembers ALL the rules. James can't articulate why he lost control yesterday or what it felt like. But he knew he had gone beyond bad behavior even before he lost it. He didn't know how to calm down. He didn't know where to go. What to do. As much as I have gotten teased for reading and doing too much research on whatever I want to know about, I am grateful I knew about the Parent Hold. To see James so lost and scared like he was, I could not leave him in his room alone to figure it all out. He doesn't have the capability to do so. I doubt I will ever have to use it again. I pray I don't. James seems much happier today with the reaffirmed and clear rules. He wants to be a good boy. But he desperately needs his parents to set the limits and maintain them. And, today, I am hearing the randomly said, "I love you Mom". Ahhhhh. Harmony is in balance again.