A Miscarriage & Monster Trucks

I know. Not a likely pair but these two things collided for me this weekend. See, I was 6 weeks pregnant until just a few days ago. What a miracle! Pregnant, at age 42, without any fertility treatments. I got pregnant the good ol' fashioned way! It was wonderful and exciting. I actually thought I was about 9 weeks along because the docs always calculate by first day of last period. But anyway, I was driving to work on Wednesday morning feeling those early symptoms of pregnancy like bloating, constipation and boobs that were so sensitive I held my breath when someone hugged me. I even started to notice that I needed to eat regular small meals because getting too hungry made me feel funny. And then, I felt a small sharp pain down there that sent adrenaline pumping through my body. Pregnant women aren't supposed to feel sharp pains. I tried to put it out of my mind and stay calm but by lunch time I was spotting a little. I still told myself that women spot all the time and it's nothing to be alarmed about. But my body was on high alert. Spotting increased even as I sat in the mall planning the End-of-Year Celebration for Generations, the homeschool group we belong to. The next morning, I called the doctor. I had been doing some reading online and all the places I visited said I should do that. She asked me to come in for an ultrasound. It wasn't exactly how I envisioned my first ultrasound to be. I was worried. Another 2 hours waiting for the machine to become available and then the doctor confirmed what I already instinctively knew, I was miscarrying. There was no little heartbeat. The doctor was good to me. She said, "Let's wait and see what happens. Let's check your hormone levels today and on Monday and see how they look then do an ultrasound on Tuesday." So I said Ok. It was a good plan. Even though it included more waiting. My Mom had been with me (Thank you Mom) so she drove me home and then I went to work. A little crazy perhaps but I needed to keep busy I guess and be around people who care about me. We had already told family and friends that I was pregnant. We even told James. It was easier that way (I could take James to doc appointments with me) and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Now I had to tell people that I was miscarrying. I was glad that I didn't have to hide my pain and sadness. And I did start to have pain. I ended up going home early. The next morning, Friday, there was more blood and I passed some tissue. I took a deep breath and knew what was happening. It went on that way for the whole weekend.

"Where are the monster trucks", you must be wondering. Well, Friday afternoon, we went to Virginia Beach with my sister and her family to see the monster truck show on the beach! We considered staying at home but I really didn't want to have to explain to James why we were going to miss all the fun and I really wanted him to have a good time. No sense hanging around the house. So I packed my bathing suit and the ibuprofen and we went to the beach. I didn't wear the bathing suit. I ate she-crab soup at almost every meal and drank 2 beers and a sangria. Seafood and alcohol are two things I was already missing so I had a little of both. I even enjoyed the monster truck show. It was weird when I first arrived because we met everyone at dinner and I realized that all the adults there knew what I was going through and no one said anything. It wasn't the right time or place I know. That made me feel better. Later, my sister asked me if I was doing ok. And she understand when I would sneak away to lay down. And the next morning, another friend caught me alone and broached the subject. I was glad she did. James had an awesome time and I am glad we went.

 

 
 


I had to tell James what was happening. I explained that sometimes with pregnancy some things don't develop right and it all stops and goes away. Then I reminded him of little Colton who went to Heaven (in the book "Heaven is for real!). A little girl came running up to him and hugged him and wouldn't let go. He was kind of alarmed at her excitement. He was even more surprised when she exclaimed, "I'm your sister!!!". See, Colton's mother had a miscarriage too. I told James that we would see this little one in Heaven one day. They will be waiting for him there. He's been great. He's five. He saw monster trucks. Life goes on.

So, today is Mother's Day. And I am blessed! I have a wonderful little boy, an awesome & hunky husband and great friends and family who have taken this short journey with me. I must admit though. With all the excitement of the weekend gone, I am a little weepy today. This pregnancy was a promise of more children that I so desperately want! And even though the ending is not the ending I wanted, I still have hope. I got pregnant on my own. No treatments. I joked with Chris today, "Maybe this is God's way of telling us to have more sex!!". He laughed and said very seriously, "Ok.".

For all the Moms out there who have been through this, you're not alone. And, today, squeeze your babies tight and know that on this day, you are being celebrated for your most rewarding and wonderful title: Mom. Mother. Mommy. Mama.